The Never Ending Internal Debate

It’s time again for me to reconsider our family options in terms of what’s best for us. Do I go back to work? Do I continue to stay home? I feel like talking about this aloud let’s other moms know they are not alone in all of the overwhelming feelings that come with being a mom.

I feel like I should back up to the moment when I knew it was time for me to stay home. My loving husband always wanted to do what I wanted to do. He said as long as I was happy, we would be happy as a family. We had toured a number of day cares and “schools”. After all of these tours, I felt emotionally drained, because I didn’t feel like I could leave my kids at any of these places. The teachers all seemed wonderful and loving. I also had been spoiled and blessed with a Dad who had volunteered to watch our oldest. We got so lucky in that my Dad doted and loved K more than I could ever have expected.  I loved getting text messages with loving pictures of K and my Dad on their many adventures. But when push came to shove, I knew my it was asking too much for my Dad to care for a newborn and a toddler who just turned 1.

Saying goodbye to my paycheck and amazing benefits wasn’t near as hard as I thought it was going to be. I honestly was extremely happy and relieved to be home. We promised every 6 months we would check in to see where we were as a family and financially. Now we are approaching my two year mark of being at home, and it’s time to reconsider what may be best.

K is in preschool, G will be next year. My dad could definitely handle watching them. We have always paid him fairly for what he does. My problem is, am I going to look back and say “what the heck was I thinking?!” But I also know that money is tight, and at times it can be really scary to think about all the unknowns. None of my closest friends from college have kids yet. So I feel like we have had to tread this journey alone. Very alone.

My job paid well, it would mean we could pay for school and child care, and have quite a bit extra money to pay off student loan debt. We only have a bit left on our car to pay off, and that would be wiped clean if I went back to work. We could get far ahead in terms of saving 3-6 months of expenses. We’ve always hoarded money, so we do have a nest egg, but we don’t feel comfortable paying off debt until we have another steady income. I know, Dave Ramsey would be ashamed of that theory. We could finally start putting a lot of money towards their college.

But then I think of all of priceless things being a SAHM gives us. I take care of the majority of errands all week so my husband can focus on work and his MBA. I try and do all the cleaning. laundry, meal planning, etc. when the kids are sleeping. We don’t have to worry about juggling work schedules to take care of a sick kiddo. The kids get to do so many fun things, library days, play dates, museum trips, swimming, etc. Obviously those are still possible, but we are far more limited and on a time crunch if I go back to work.

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Sick kiddos need the extra cuddles

I guess I’ll end by saying that it’s a blessing to be able to have the choice. We made many sacrifices as a couple and individually to make this a reality.

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